Copied off the "How Things Work" list...:
I posit the following Theory of Baloney. No doubt this will be scoffed at
by the hidebound reactionaries of the physics establishment. That's okay,
I've patented it so no one can steal the idea.
The quantum of baloney is the stupid idea, collectively described as
stupidity. Stupid ideas exists in the timeless multidimensional construct
of thoughtspace. Thoughtspace is located wherever you want it to be, but
we've been seeing less of it as time goes on. Some say that cheap beer and
professional wrestling are converting vast swaths of thoughtspace into
dumbspace... but that's a whole 'nother theory altogether.
Anyway, the flow of stupidity through thoughtspace, often measured in stupid
ideas per second, is what we observe as baloney. The unit of flow is the
loaf - one loaf of baloney is equal to 13 stupid ideas per second.
Loaves of baloney arise due to the force between stupid ideas. Stupid ideas
are monopolar and produce an attractive force on other stupid ideas. This
force may be imagined as a field surrounding each stupid idea; this field is
called conspiracy. Thus, the conspiratorial force causes stupidity to flow,
resulting in baloney.
Stupid ideas behave pretty much like any other quantum particle; i.e., there
are virtually stupid ideas popping into and out of thoughtspace all the
time. If a virtually stupid idea pops into existence immersed in a strong
enough conspiracy field, it is promoted to a really stupid idea. This does
not violate conservation of stupidity - because, as everyone knows, there is
no such thing.
Baloney is easily observed within several areas of thoughtspace, government
agencies being the most notable. Another major zone is the business sector,
because baloney is profitable. Many utilities sell baloney, but they're
cleverly disguised as chiropractors, news agencies, and the Church of
Scientology.
As with all phenomena, baloney can be weaponized. Rumor has it that Edward
Teller was working on the ultra secret BASES project - Baloney Amplification
by the Stimulated Emission of Stupidity. It was, naturally, part of the
missile defence program in the 1980's. The idea was to FedEx loaves of
baloney to the Soviets, rendering them too stupid to fire their missiles at
us.
